After 13 years of marriage, Debbie and Phil Pilgrim's divorce was as close to pain-free as possible.

No bitter custody battle. No fights over money. No ugly courtroom scenes.

"I was expecting the worst going in, and it wasn't that way at all," said Debbie Pilgrim, an airline passenger service representative from Hurst. "And I truly believe it was because of the way it was handled."

The Pilgrims are among a growing number of Texas couples who are choosing what some lawyers describe as a "kinder, gentler," more civilized approach to ending a marriage.

A year ago this month, the state family code was amended to allow collaborative divorce as an alternative to conventional civil court procedures. Texas is the first state to codify collaborative law for divorce, a process that can save couples thousands of dollars and help them avoid a legal blood bath.

Fort Worth lawyer Dick Price predicts collaborative law will catch on during the next decade, largely because it allows parties to resolve personal issues privately.

"There are very few people who want to get on a witness stand and be torn up by the other attorney or who want to spend their life savings paying lawyers to fight over things," said Price, who organized Collaborative Lawyers of Tarrant County.

The association of about 25 attorneys is committed to a nonadversarial approach to divorce.

"Very few people want to expose their personal secrets in court," Price said.

Some legal experts predict that the approach eventually will revolutionize divorce in Texas, but it's still too early to know how many of the state's 25,000 family lawyers will offer it. There are no educational requirements to offer collaborative law, but most lawyers attend training programs.

The process can work even when couples are angry, attorneys said, but they must be able to talk about everything from custody arrangements to financial settlements.

"It will not work in every case, but it will work in a lot of the cases," said state Rep. Toby Goodman, R-Arlington, author of the collaborative divorce law. "I think in time it will take over 50 percent of divorce practices."

Consensus

The key to collaborative law is cooperation. In a typical scenario, each party is represented by his or her attorney, and the four of them agree in writing to reach a settlement without going to court, said Diane Wanger, a Bedford lawyer who practices collaborative law.

"You have four people trying to come up with a solution that will benefit both parties," she said. "If someone feels wronged, if they want revenge, this is not going to work."

Only after both parties reach a settlement does a judge get involved, and then only to sign the orders required by law.

When a couple is unable to reach a settlement, they may take their case to court, but the lawyers for both sides must withdraw. New lawyers are then hired to litigate the case.

One of the things that makes collaborative law different from litigation is the presumption that everything is going to be upfront, no hidden bank accounts or agendas, said Fort Worth lawyer Zoey Meigs.

"It's got to be where they trust each other," she said.

Couples who opt for the new process tend to be well-educated, married more than 10 years and have assets worth protecting, said Sandra Burns, a Dallas lawyer and collaborative law trainer.

"These are usually people who are business savvy and just cut to the chase," Burns said. "They know how much is in the 401(k) and the retirement fund, and they can reach a reasonable agreement on their home's equity."

Often couples who agree to a collaborative divorce expect to have an ongoing relationship after the marriage is over.

"They know they're going to end up at funerals together and end up at weddings together," she said. "They just don't see any point in putting a lot of salt on the wound."

When Angie and Pat DiFonzi opted for a collaborative divorce, they found the new process took some of the sting out of ending their 32-year marriage.

"It took a lot of the cloak-and-dagger out of things," said Angie DiFonzi, an airline employee from Euless. "It was more like a normal conversation. Everyone got to say what they wanted to say, and it felt very open."

That openness is one of the main reasons why some family law lawyers have embraced collaborative divorce. It's also one of the reasons why others are resistant to it.

"I think there's some skepticism because it is new, and it's not really what lawyers are there for," Meigs said. "It sounds a little too touchy-feely."

Lawyers are ethically bound to zealously represent their clients, she said. By cooperating, some feel that it lessens the aggressiveness of their representation.

"They feel like their hands are kind of tied," Meigs said.

Instead of speaking for a client, the collaborative divorce lawyer encourages the clients to voice concerns themselves. If there is an impasse, the couple and their attorneys agree to hire one expert witness and split the cost.

The DiFonzis said their attorneys helped them resolve issues and complete their divorce after about six meetings.

"When things hit a stumbling block or got too emotional, the lawyers were good at bringing us back to what we had to work on," she said. "Everyone involved wanted to do what was the reasonable and fair thing."

Such divorces often are easier on children and spare them the emotional turmoil of being dragged through the system, Price said.

Saving money

By reducing paperwork, court time and some lawyer fees, collaborative law often ends up costing couples considerably less than a contested divorce.

The average divorce in Texas costs $18,000, according to Accord Median Services. But in contested property cases with custody issues, couples can spend $200,000 or more, Goodman said.

"Ninety percent of family law cases are settled just short of a trial," said Goodman, who has practiced law since 1974. "But a lot of them are settled after contentious hearings and after the payment of expert witnesses, all of which this would avoid."

Legal fees for collaborative divorce are 10 percent to 30 percent of the total costs of a typical divorce, according to Lawyers Weekly USA based in Boston.

"For the same amount of money someone spends as an initial retainer to get a temporary order, someone can get a collaborative divorce," Burns said.

Yet collaborative law does not automatically mean divorce lawyers will earn less. Burns said she can process five or six collaborative divorces in the same time it takes one case to go all the way to trial.

Perhaps most significantly, divorce lawyers said that in a field filled with negativity, this is something they can feel good about.

"It's a quality-of-life issue," Wanger said. "I want to feel I am doing something positive."

Debbie Pilgrim's collaborative divorce turned out better than she had expected.

"We got to make decisions about our own fate as opposed to having it dictated by the courts," she said.